Author: chuma

Well, it’s less than an hour until my final exam and the end of the whole bloody semester. It’s been a big fucking mixed bag for the past four months, that’s for sure. I really need to have a huge big rant soon.

Back when I was still BBSing (yes, children, before the Internet) I used to be in a message group on CANet called Teen Chat. At the time I was around 12, so wasn’t really a teen, but I really enjoyed talking to people there. One thing that everyone did was post big long rants. Pretty much any message over ~150 lines was considered a rant. Everyone read everything and offered advice, or just kind words. It wasn’t even necessary to get replies to your rant; you knew that it was getting read by hundreds (maybe thousands) of people, and that they cared a little bit.

Maybe that’s what I wish my web page was like. I get hits from some pretty diverse groups here: my friends who read regularly or semi-regularly, people who pick up the URL from my signature in an e-mail on a mailing list archive or deja.com, people looking for Newton Resources, wayward search engine results, my parents who know that this exists and read every now and then (hi Mom! hi Dad!)

I really don’t care who reads this stuff. I’ve never been attacked for anything I’ve written here. Most of it is just my own personal ranting – rants like I used to write on CANet Teen Chat. It’s therapy. It’s out there for anyone who wants to to read, or not read, as they choose.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure now that this semester mostly sucked. I feel like academically I’m up against a wall. Socially things are just changing – in the last month I’ve been spending more time with Sandy at the house and less time with my other friends. For reasons beyond my comprehension I still feel pressured by my parents; even though I know that they love me the most, and will always love me the most, I have this unshakeable fear of them. It’s a curse. A curse that I can’t seem to get rid of. It’s fucking pulling me down, I think. I’m trying to get away from them but keep on fucking things up and I could get help but instead I just lie, lie, lie, lie until I start believing the lies myself. I’ve gotten really really good at lying to people and to myself.

For some cosmically bizzare reason I don’t lie to Sandy. We are connected, somehow, so that I am totally open to her. And I think she is totally open to me. It’s always hard to tell with another person unless you can crawl inside them and look through their eyes; but that’s pretty hard to do, believe me I’ve tried. But she is the best thing to happen to me this semester, this year, maybe even in my life.

I’m sitting in the chair in the living room of the house I’ll be livingin next semester, semi-watching High Fidelity and downloading Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie MP3s. Tomorrow is my last exam. Blah blah blah. I don’t even know why I’m writing here. I’m going to go away now.

My friends have been waiting for Dungeons and Dragons, but I’m still waiting for Angelina Jolie with lots of guns and a British accent. I am booked for June 15th.

That’s not what it sounds like, it’s a track by DJ Keoki.

Well, just finished writing my first exam. I have this strange ability to always finish exams way early. I think it’s because I really don’t want to be there, so I finish writing as fast as I can. Anyways, the exam was alright, two of the questions I got spot-on, the other two were not as good, but I still did them. This was a philosophy exam, BTW. Possibly the only exam where you can’t bullshit unless it is analytic.

Exam stress always leaves me after I write the first one, so now I’m feeling all loose and good.

Exams are probably the stupidest form of evaluation, especially this one. The prof gave us nine questions in advance, three groups of three, and one question from each group is on the exam. So everyone goes out and has to prepare /all/ the questions. It’s a lot of work gone to waste. And what if I prepared some questions better than others? Should I be punished solely on these grounds? If everyone just handed in their prepared questions as their final exams it would be a lot fairer. Of course, I don’t thing quantative evaluation is even fair in and of itself, and one day I will write a book about it. But for now I’m going to unwind a bit and play Unreal Tournament.

… a gigantic nuclear furnace.

Less than an hour until my first exam. Wish me luck.

I just remembered that I have a chocolate advent calendar. Now catching up on the past seven days, yum 🙂

Yes, I started studying.

ADF is awesome.

I finally posted the oft-requested group shot. It’s also on the friends photo page. (which needs helluva updating).

I am not studying today yet. Exam #1 is tomorrow at 7pm. I was studying yesterday afternoon. That is good. I also bought helluva LEGO yesterday (with the financial help of Sandy – yes yes, I will buy you stuffed animals), all of it Star Wars. I’ve been giving lots of Star Wars LEGO away as gifts but I realized I didn’t have any of my own.

Song: Asian Dub Foundation – Memory War

who controls the past controls the present
and who controls the present controls the future
soon come judgement day

I did no schoolwork today. I did a lot of putzing around. I’m good at that. I wrapped my Christmas presents so I can give them to my friends tomorrow. I did… uh… not much else. I did a lot of work on the Newton archives. Yeah.

My girlfriend said a little while ago that everyone at university is screwed up in some way. I would have to agree. University is a time of massive change for most people. Every year of my university career has been totally different from the others. There are only a few things or people that have carried through the whole time. Some of them are friends, others are bad habits that I’d rather get rid of.

Massive change tends to give us a lot of stress, and make us crazy. This is why most university students are crazy.

I often wonder who the regular visitors are to this page. I know that most of my friends read it at least semi-regularly, but when I look at the web logs there are accesses that I just can’t account for. Hey, I’ve got stalkers 🙂

I was thinking that it’s time for another life inventory:

• School: sucks, bites, blows, and swallows.
• School Gov’t: going great. Lots of friends up on high now 🙂
• Volunteer stuff: My Newton projects are going crazy. That’s a good kind of crazy. If I let it, this stuff could consume all of my time.
• Family: better. I feel like I am a little more comfortable with my parents. Maybe one of these days I’ll completely tear down the well between us.
• Friends: I think I have one of the greatest circles of friends ever. You guys rock.
• Computer: well, it’s still here, and not exploding (pets Asuka)
• Sandy: it’s strange, the past few times I’ve talked to my mother she keeps on asking me how much I’m in love with Sandy. I think she’s afraid or something. I’m not afraid. I have the most wonderful person in the whole world to be with. And no one else can have her 🙂

Because of the events of my last entry, I don’t have an exam until Friday. yay me.

“Weasel bag sex!!!!” — Everyone at the party last night

Well, I’m just about fucking done. I am going to fail CIS*3650. No joke. It’s all down the fucking tubes. I am doing fine in my remaining classes, but I could kick myself down a fucking staircase for being so negligent in this course. There’s no point in even writing the final exam. I threw the fucking course away, and of course the time and money.

If I don’t stay in school I seriously don’t know what I’d do. I’ll still be in school next semester. I might be under probationary status though. I’m wondering if I’ll have to go to an academic counsellor, a real counsellor, or something. I’ve never been to someone like that before. I might be half done my degree after this semester.

My life feels useless.